Winning – Or Not

Sometimes winning doesn’t feel like winning.

Until a few minutes ago, I was really happy about this week’s weigh-in. When we pulled into the meeting last night, I didn’t expect great things. I’d been feeling bad all week (or for several weeks) and was feeling bloated and in a lot of pain. I was determined to face the scale though, and was pleasantly surprised with a loss of 4.2 pounds. Jason didn’t fare as well but still had a loss of 0.6. As horrible as I felt, I was really proud of what I had done. It meant that I had increased my weekly weightloss average to 2.6 and had lost 10.4 pounds during the month of January. These are numbers to be thrilled with.

And I was until this morning.

You see, when we pulled up to the meeting last night, I told Jason that regardless of who lost more (the usual deciding factor) he would be doing the blog post. Mainly it was because I was feeling so horrible last night physically and I didn’t even know if I would even go to work, much less how much would be waiting for me. He was disappointed with this smaller loss and since I felt better and had more energy today, he decided I should blog after all. So, I started asking for numbers to update the tagline and be accurate in our results post. I wanted to know how much he had lost during January (7.2) and he started looking at the little milestone icons on his weight tracker.

“I haven’t had a milestone since October 2011.”

“Yeah, honey. We gained over that holiday season and then last year was hell. We’re still losing the weight we had gained during that time.”

I could tell he was upset, but it’s something that had to be faced anyway. I couldn’t help it though; I got angry. Here he was, frowning and beating himself up because he’s been playing catch up and on our last few weigh-ins, I’ve been pulling bigger numbers. He only needs to lose 1.4 pounds to get back down to where he had been before the holiday hiatus and kitchen debacle. I need to lose 36.

Have I told you yet that my body sucks? During the time we were off plan, I gained back way more weight than he did, even though he ate worse than I did. I understand being discouraged. I understand being mad at oneself for backsliding. I even understand wanting to get back to losing faster while watching someone else lose more quickly than you do.

But my hill is harder to climb. I have so much more that I need to lose, just to get back to where I had been. I have so much more to lose to get to goal (he started at a higher weight, but weighs less than me now, and being a 6 foot tall man, his goal is much higher than mine).

I snapped. “I don’t want to hear you complain about this.”

The shock (and maybe a little anger) was plain on his face.

“You can be motivated by this, but I don’t want to hear you complain. You’re almost back to where you were, but I have over 30 pounds to get there.”

Losing over ten pounds in a month shouldn’t feel like a failure. I didn’t want it to, but suddenly it did. Because it wasn’t enough to make up for all the other gains over the last year. I had been doing really well just looking forward, not looking back at the failures of the last year. His analysis of his own journey forced me to and I hate what I saw.

Even more, I hate that it made me lose this sense of victory, accomplishment and success. This isn’t the attitude I want in my weight loss, so I’m telling myself what I told him.

“You can be motivated by this.”

And I am.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. battlechicken
    Feb 01, 2013 @ 17:34:05

    If it makes you feel better, Fyn, we are in exactly the same boat, you and I.

    I’ve gained back 40 pounds from my lowest weight. My husband has gained back 15. It started with a plateau that lasted months, no matter how well I ate or exercised. That led to disappointment and frustration, which led to apathy, which led to stepping on the scale 6 months later and starting over.

    I got your back. Stay motivated and I will too! <3

    Reply

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