I won the weightloss lottery last night and was the biggest loser in our house, so that means I get to blog today. Which is fun, because today happens to be our 10th Anniversary.
Which of course means I get to post a few pictures and fling sentimental, personal stuff all over the blog. You don’t mind, do you?
The story of how we met is a little long so I won’t retell it here. Suffice it to say that it involved the internet, a fantasy book fan site, a new religion on one side and a leap of faith on the other. My friends and family were so sick with worry that I was flying on my own to meet someone in person that I had met on the internet. Jason’s friends and family were concerned because it moved so fast and his life was changing so much while he was away at school, they worried that he was being sucked into a cult by a girl they’d never met.
Turns out nobody needed to worry at all.
Ten years later, we’re still happily married and have had so little conflict that we still act like we’ve been married for two years instead. Neither of us is perfect, but I think we’re perfect for eachother and that’s what matters.
So, enough of the schmoopy stuff and back to the weight related business.
I was a plus-size bride. I was happy, excited, a little self-conscious, but Jason adored me, so I didn’t think about it. Until I had to think about it. At the time we belonged to a fan website community, where we had met in the chat room, but shared a lot on the message boards. Since we were a “wotmania couple” there were a lot of people who were thrilled and excited that we were getting married. Some even flew in from out of state to attend and we had a wotmania table where they all had a great time. Not everyone in that community was supportive though.
I suppose trolls existed ten years ago too.
I didn’t think of my self as a fat bride. I knew that I would like to be smaller, but I still felt special and beautiful. We posted the above picture to the community message board and while the majority of the replies were congratulatory and full of support, there is only one I can remember and it wasn’t addressed to me. “So Lord Psynister likes big girls…”
I was crushed. Suddenly all of my confidence was thrown out and I couldn’t stop looking at pictures from the happiest day of my life without seeing a “big girl”. I don’t know why or how, but up until then, I had pretty much avoided major body issues. I would look in the mirror and see me. I would see my best features. I would feel smaller than I was. This was supported by having a man in my life who looked at me the same way. All he saw were my best features and his “little lady” (I did marry a Texan afterall).
The cruelty of that one comment completely undid my healthier body image. I think this was the start of my downward (and upward on the scale) spiral. Two years later, in the same breath that my doctor diagnosed me with PCOS he told me I could have only gained the weight I did if I was gorging myself, which I wasn’t. I felt defeated, defective and like a whale.
The reason that I’m going into this dark place in my history is so that you know where I’m coming from when I tell you about where I am now and how I feel. I’ve discovered in the last ten years that it really is more difficult for me to lose weight than not only men, but most other women too. I’ve had to teach myself to recognize accomplishment and celebrate it. I’ve had to relearn the ability to look in the mirror and see my best features instead of the flaws.
So when I tell you that I lost 3 pounds this week and that Jason lost 2 pounds, you know I mean it when I tell you that I am proud of both of us. I’ve lost 21 pounds in nearly three months (next week will be officially 3 months back on plan) and Jason has lost 27 pounds. Together that’s 48 pounds and I couldn’t be more thrilled with our progress.
I may not be back to the size I was at our wedding, but I’m so much closer than I was three years ago. He’ll deny it, but I think Jason is smaller than he was at the wedding now, having lost almost 70 pounds from his highest weight. His wedding ring has been slipping off his finger! I know where I’ve been, I know where I am and I know where I’m going. The best part is, I got my confidence back.
All I see when I look back at our wedding pictures is a happy bride and her husband.