I Keep Telling Myself…

…that I don’t care that I’m fat.

But I do.

In stereotypical manliness, I can shrug off all sorts of things. I’m a big guy, I started lifting weights in seventh grade, I was a starting lineman on the high school football team where my height and my weight made me a king out on that field.

But this isn’t high school, and the only weight I’m lifting now is my own.

My weight is at an all time high of 343.6 lbs. The number doesn’t bother me, it’s something I can shrug off. It’s like my age (not that I’m old), it’s just a number that in and of itself has no meaning. I don’t mind telling people how much I weigh, it just doesn’t bother me. But what does bother me is how I feel, and for the first time in my life, how I look is beginning to bother me as well.

As I went to my cousin’s wedding in September 2010, we needed to stop at a store and pick up a new outfit for Jenny to wear. While waiting for her to try on the new clothes, I propped myself up against a wall to wait. As I looked around, I saw myself in a mirror and did a double take. Was my gut really hanging over that far? Was that mirror playing tricks on me, obscuring my image?

I looked at the mirror as a whole, at proportions, and everything else looked just fine. I stood up straight and took another look, did a little turning around to be sure, and nothing changed. I realized for the first time, that I wasn’t just big anymore; now I was fat. Not the cute kind of fat that I’ve been since birth (my parents named me Jason, but they called me Buddha), but the near depressing kind of fat when you know you have a serious problem.

So my weight stopped being just a number, it started having meaning. As Jenny deals with her medical issues, I join the fight to prevent my own from starting. The men on my father’s side of the family have a strange habit, of dying young to problems that could have been avoided. My father is the only one to survive his, though the heart attack at 35 was an eye opener for sure. So I’m going to be the first to learn from history here, and start making changes now before the problems arrive.

As Jenny said, we’re not perfect and our journey certainly won’t be either. We’re just a chubby couple making changes.


8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Gwenyth Love
    Oct 01, 2010 @ 09:57:08

    People always say it doesn’t matter about your size/weight unless it bothers you. Sometimes it takes something so small and insignificant before you realize it does in fact bother you. Something similar also happened to me. Unfortunately with my medical issues it might be a while still before I can focus on getting back in shape (due to major surgery) but once that is done with I am SO working on myself as well. I look forward to following you both along your journey.



  2. Shieldbreakr
    Oct 01, 2010 @ 10:06:38

    Good work, dear sir. You have had a bad mirror experience, but if you stick together, one day you will be surprised by a good one. You will look up and realize that you can see your own face again. Your pant sizes will start to come down. First month is gonna be hard, but it gets easier.


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  4. Krizhek
    Oct 01, 2010 @ 10:18:50

    I am currently at 360lbs and like you it didn’t really bother me to much. But now I find my self short of breath after short walks and unable to mow the lawn without a multidude of breaks. It’s time for a change, and I look forward to seeing what changes you make. So perhaps I can make some changes of my own.


  5. Joy
    Oct 01, 2010 @ 10:28:22

    Just wanted to say both of you are giving me the inspiration that I need to get off my butt and start eating healthy again. Back in January 5th of 2009 I decided I was going to get healthy and lose weight ( I have pcos, infertility and I was 38 years old so time running out in the baby department) anyway I stuck to eating healthy and exercising and lost 72 lbs by August 25th of 2009. In September my husband and I started the process of buying a house and moved into it in October. We both went to the Dr where we moved to get meds and established with our medical history. The Dr. was adamant that we both stop smoking. So we went on Champix (Chantrix) in the US. We are smoke free 41 weeks today however I have gained back the weight I lost 😦

    Jumping back on the bandwagon to start back exercising and eating healthy.

    I wish you much success in your journey and look forward to following your process.


  6. SweetCMe
    Oct 01, 2010 @ 10:34:28

    I’m excited for you two! You’re making an excellent decision and I know you’ll have the commitment to see it through. I’m so glad I get to follow along on your journey 🙂


  7. furlinedteacup
    Oct 01, 2010 @ 12:12:39

    Let me know how I can help. As you two know, I love to cook, and have been making a focused effort to find more healthful substitutions in the things I love to cook.

    Good luck!!


    • Psynister
      Oct 01, 2010 @ 12:26:50

      We’ve just started talking today about ways we can get other people involved with our journey here. We have something in mind, but we need to work out the details. We’ll get back to you though. 😉


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